1/20/17

iSparagus



1/18/17

Ladies of Wanton Loins





1/16/17

Terror on Planet Tailhook




1/13/17

Up Your Decor - How's your interior?






It's winter, decorators! And that means it's time to get excited about some winter interiors! How's your interior? It's time to give your interior a good hard look and decorate the heck out of it!

Spring will sproink at your house if you fill a room with this fabulous fern theme! Little Spermfort and Doilette just love to sit in repose, lazing away any old afternoon in a pink pinafore and blue sport coat. Spermfort is playing with a hilarious mesh shower sponge and Doilette can't keep her eyes off the action! Spermfort's showing a lot of leg today, for some reason! Oh, that little rascal! You just can't keep pants on that lad! Just be sure to keep your hands out of the punch bowl in the curio cabinet, kids - we're saving it for Easter!
"What shall I play with this morning, mother dear?" "You may play with the hearse for one hour, Crumulus, for then it will be time for your Remaining Perfectly Still in the Darkness practice." Your house will have the warm coziness of a chest cavity with this "Arterial Daydream" treatment from Galthen Valdheim & Sons Interiors! It's just the thing to take the chill out of those early spring mornings when the icy glare of the morning sun is more than your tender eyes can handle! The white cat may seem a little out-of-theme, but she'll feel just right on your lap while you're monologuing to that pesky MI6 agent that somehow got past your ravenous mechanical lobsters!


Bright and cheery is the name of the game in your new "Flower Imperative" kitchen! The walls simply scream "happy" and the refrigerator says "right now"... as if there was any question! Your family will know how much effort you put into your positive attitude every time they try to have a meal! Tasteful restraint is shown in the simple brick pattern of the flooring! But you never know - just ahead is a whole weekend to go out a pick up some more wallpaper! Why not add it to the shopping list on the chalkboard, after "guttfe", "aeqkc", "padge", and "divee"!
Ooo, la la! Your every movement will be like a tinkling, golden symphony in this bathroom by Flavio Garotti. It's "tres eleganto"! The carpet is the perfect absorbent solution to your various bathtime drippings, and the swirlicues of the fixtures will make everything you do feel just a little less strenuous! Who's the most sophisticated princess in the whole bathroom? You are, stupid! Don't use the soap! It's decorative! Don't use that one either! It's just for company. Maybe there's some regular soap under the sink or something? Wee, monsieur!

1/12/17

Sta Safe Eye Mask - An clip art and gaff?


Good news, too-much-sex-havers! Your days of sexual peril are at an end, thanks to the Sta Safe Eye Mask! With the Sta Safe strapped to your face, you will stay safe from any and all sexual contact.


"Safe", that is, unless your're somehow into sexual welding, in which case you will completely not be protected from having a puddle of molten Sta Safe bonded to your head. Lastly, if you can only get turned on by third degree burns and searing hot face plastic, you're in luck. Sta Safe has you covered.

"Built to stand the gaff of hard service,..." Hmm. "Gaff"? This is a new use of that word. Did the tradesmen of 1946 use "gaff" as part of their eye-melting jargon? Let's see what the laziest of dictionary searches can turn up.


Definition of gaff
a :  a spear or spearhead for taking fish or turtlesb :  a handled hook for holding or lifting heavy fishc :  a metal spur for a gamecockd :  a butcher's hooke :  a climbing iron or its steel point used by a telephone lineman
:  the spar on which the head of a fore-and-aft sail is extended:  gaffe


Nope. Unless the copy writer for Sta Safe just forgot to add the "e", which would mean "a mistake or fumble", the mystery goes on. Just for the sake of curiosity, let's assume it was spelled right, and it is meant to be "gaff", as printed.

What does my copy of Partrige's Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English have to say about "gaff"? Completely ordinary bookshelf - DEPLOY!

Let's see...

So, "gaff" either means "a criminal affair or enterprise", or "a dwelling-place".

I think the guys at Standard Safety Equipment Company just forgot the "e". So, the ad seems to intend that the goggles are tough enough to stand the "gaffe of hard service" (meaning mistakes and abuse). That's a bit anticlimactic. I was hoping to unearth a bit of arcane terminology, but instead we got ordinary sloppy grammar from goggle-makers, just like always. Dammit, goggle producers of the world! When will you tighten up the screws on your verbiage?!?

You'd think a nerd with glasses like that would be a better speller, wouldn't you? Well, GOOD NEWS, poorly-spelling nerds! We've got your new profile picture here! Use it on all your InstaFace accounts! You're welcome!

Click for 1000px jpeg.

Now how much would you pay? Well, shut up, because here's another Graphic Gift! See those tiny serving suggestions down the right side of the ad? Well, one of them obviously shows a person being comedically crushed under a car! Ha ha ha! You need that as a nice clean clip art, right? Yep!


It kinda makes you want to open up a car repair service and use this image in your logo, just so you can see all the customers totally fail to stampede to your garage, doesn't it? "Your car's not fixed until one of our technicians dies." You're extra welcome!


1/11/17

Nectar of the Teat



1/10/17

How Splendidly do I Murder Thee