9/22/17

Internet 1.0 shirts - Obsolete online.

Are you old enough to remember when "logging on" to anything was a tingly thrill? Games were mate of text, and every online service was a walled garden because everything outside it was the hard vacuum of space. In case people can't tell you remember those exciting be-mulletted days, we've put together some obsolete tech t-shirts. How did we know there was a shortage of these shirts? Because we wanted them for ourselves and couldn't find any. Niche filled.

All are available in our Spreadshirt shop, with choice of shirt type and color. In the case of the Compuserve shirt, you can pick the print color as well. Such a time we live in!







Netscape shirt.
This shirt features the original 64x64 Netscape launcher icon. Even at seven-or-so inches wide, it's still 64x64 gigantic pixels, for your 1200 baud browsing pleasure. Warning: The shirt's print is low-resolution, and meant to be that way. Do not come whining to us if you're horrified by the pixels.


See? Pixels. The shirt's print is exactly this, but shirt-sized. Don't day we didn't warn you.









Zork shirt.
Theatre of the mind, man. We don't need to fancy pictures to have an advanture. Text is where it was at. Don't get eaten by a Grue. At least, not without your Zork shirt on.

No, Zork wasn't an online game. Far from it. But it is now! If you want to Zork it up in a web browser, here you go. Knock yourself out.






Compuserve shirt.
It was AOL for boring business people. Don't worry. AOL and Compuserve are both equally obsolete now, so no need to argue about it. Spreadshirt's terrible vector art uploader managed to interpret this file properly. That means you can get it printed in one of a bunch of colors on whatever shirt you like. Use your freedom of choice... your freedom of choice! Da na na na na na na nana nah.


9/21/17

Up Your Decor - Such art!

Hey there, compulsive decorators! Do you think we've decorated together very recently, and we should leave things be for a while? Well, kill yourself!!!! You're a horrible person!!!! All of you who are left, let's decorate it like it's on fayaahhh!

Oooooh! So very rustic! So rough! Even the windows look like they were hacked from a glass tree with an axe! This room is simply thrusting with coarse, brutal masculinity! It's almost violent in it's passion! I bet Gronk would just love the hell out of it! Do you think Gronk would like sleeping here? I bet he'd feel right
at home among the Orcishly hewn beams. I think he'd be so inspired with brutal urges that he'd just grab the nearest lady and express all his masculinity in every way possible and stuff! Wow, doesn't it just
make you feel... gosh, is it hot in here? Wowie wow wow. Moving on...


This mathematically impossible Escher-realm is devilishly designed by Meek VanDerWhirl, and cannot be expressed in a three-dimensional reality. The chair-and-end-table feature will make you think there's a mirror dividing the room, but there isn't!!! Hey! Let's examine the art objects hanging on the wall object!


Oh my goodness! It's Tor Johnson's seminal work "Tears of my Feces"!
The lucky person that lives in this tesseract of sophistication is a
discerning collector!
Gasp! And the other art is Erno Bleah's "Shiny Oprah Considering Going
Upstair
s"! I thought this one was destroyed in the Completely Reasonable
Art Riots of 1966! I'm so glad I was wrong!
Wow! After all that artistic appreciation, I feel the need to retire to the extradimensional null-space
at the top of the stairs. Won't you create a spacetime transgression with me and share a cup of tea?
This otherwise conventional space is screaming with verve and dynamism, thanks to the clever
designer's choice of arts! Let's go in for a closer artlook, shall we?
Aah, yes I thought it might have been, and it is! This is Melba Fishwhistle's powerful work "Unshaven Fan with Partial Whiskers".
And this is Helmut  Lazenglint's "You Call That a Signature?". It really makes you want to rethink how you feel about writing someone else's name without paying attention, doesn't it?
Next, we find Stephanie Japanwich's "Mid-Spurt"! 

Just in case you think that art is all about not pinching combs, this painting is here to completely
blow your mind! "Pinched Comb" artist Gloverick Wheent does not apologize for destroying your world view! Boom!
Oh my word. I never thought I'd see it in person, but this piece is more overwhelming than I
thought it'd be. This example of genius is Beaufort Hamkirk's career-defining sculpture, "You Idiots Will Buy Anything And I Fucking Hate You". My gosh, I could stare at this piece for days. So much to learn from it. That's enough decorating for today, decorators.
I'm spent!


9/20/17

Optimio Standing Desk


9/19/17

Pay TV, 1955 - How will this work?

As early as 1955, Americans were trying to figure out how to get people to pay for television. You maybe didn't know that till just now, but can you really be surprised? As soon as there was a TV in every living room in the country, of course someone was trying to figure out how to put a coin box on it.

This article is from the October 1955 issue of Popular Science, and people were understandably pissed at the idea of paying for TV. Please enjoy this outline of the proposed janky and complicated methods to deliver programming to the consumer for money, using 1955 technology (wires, gears, magnets, and levers, pretty much).

These images are the Maximum-allowed-by-Blogger 1600 px tall. Click it to big it, baby.



9/15/17

Dexter Shoes, 1970 - That's funky?

Yeah! Groovy! The Seventies! Everybody's getting funky! What's that mean? Who cares? Maybe we can use it to sell our very ordinary looking shoes? Yeah! Funkytime! You know! Frank Zappa! Freedom! Rebellion! Flared trousers! Shoes your banker might wear! Lazy marketing!


This ad was scanned from the November, 1970 issue of Esquire Magazine, the journal of the well-heeled American douchebag. And, in 1970, the fancy prick-about-town was interested in appearing "down with the movement". As any hyper-groovy member of the counter-culture would tell you, the supreme arbiter of truly funky togs is the advertising manager of Esquire, Inc.

So, uuh, these shoes are "funky" - at least they are on the Dexter scale, which is a measurement of  a shoe's funkiness measuring anywhere from zero to zero and a half. On the Dexter scale of funkiness, they're burying the needle. But that's what marketing does. Take whatever the latest fad is, stick it on your product and pretend you're "with it".

You want to see funky shoes? Look no further than Bootsy Collins, bass player for Parliament Funkadelic. Dexter, take notes. if you're going to invoke the name of funk, you'd better have your shoe-shaped house in order.
Boom. Funk complete.
Let's re-do the Dexter ad with more appropriate images, as befits the Dexter scale of funkiness. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, give up the funk, because weeee love the funk!

Yeah, man! Fun-keeee! By Dexter! Whoa, bay-beh.




9/14/17

Maritime Disaster Songbook