Kendall Motor Oil - Rich, creamery oil.

Is your car carrying around any Kendall motor oil in its veins? Probably not, but you should save their avatar, at least.

"Time for an oil change?" It's twenty-five miles o'clock! You'd better change the oil!

Kendall Oil still exists... sort of. It seems that Phillips 66 owns them now. Good for them! It seems that their website is an error message. Not good for them!

But who cares, really? I suspect that a lot of companies have websites simply because they'd be embarrassed if they didn't, because not having one is old fashioned. I happen to pour Castrol into the Phil Are GO!-Kart, but I've visited the Castrol web page exactly zero times. Why would I? So, I'm liking Kendall's site more and more, now that I think about it. They're too busy making oil to oworry about some stupid runtime error on their site that no one needs to go to anyway.

And they're making it from only the richest, butteriest creamy oil, from... "Penna"?

Since when did we abbreviate "Pennsylvania" as "Penna"? Honestly, I don't know how anybody ever got their mail with a stupid abbreviation like that on the envelope.

Anyhoo, the real reason for visiting this ad is the bright and well-oiled lady in the circle. She'd make a fine profile picture for FaceTube or some kind of Instant Message Thing or whatever, wouldn't she? Especially if you're a bit of a gear head lady yourself. Some hero should shout at his staff of worker bees to pop her out of the image and serve her up all circular and alpha channeled. Sigh. Some day...

...is NOW! Psych!

Hey! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, get off your butts! I wanna see some circular marquee in here, stat! Move it!

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Look at her, all wind blown and care free, with her driving gloves and her delicious neck grapes. She's a dream. I'll let you make your own lubricant jokes here. I'm taking the high road.

The jpeg version is for just in case your Online Time Toilet Service of choice is really stupid and doesn't understand images with transparency. You're welcome!

This little hand presents us with a bit of a mystery. It obviously wants us to feel as if everything is okay - hence, its vee fingers. But the hand has what appear to be seams where you would expect to see them if it were a glove. Fine. But then why does it have frikkin fingernails? What kind of monstrous freak show are you running here, Kendall? Did the execs at Kendall wear gloves made out of human hands when changing their oil, to keep their real hands clean?

The hell with you, Kendall. Castrol presents me with no nightmare clip arts like this.


Carefree International Restaurant - Carefree, Arizona.

So where's lunch? How bout the Carefree?

Dining in Carefree, Arizona in The Sixties was pretty damn cool. Apparently there was this restaurant with six (or seven?) themed dining rooms arranged radially around a central kitchen, all in a mid-century modern purpose-built building that wasn't just a repurposed out-of-business hallmark store in a strip mall, which is mostly what we get, here in The Future.

This postcard scratches the surface, but the Ultranet is pretty much made of rabbit holes, and a simple search led the Phil Are GO! Research and Googling Team to the Carefree, Arizona Cave Creek Museum's site (...of course, and why wouldn't it?) which had an exterior shot of the restaurant and a floor plan. It looked like a groovy space station on the desolate moonscape of the moon, instead of the desolate Arizonascape of Arizona.

Oh yeah. That North America.

The post card boasts about seven distinctive yet interconnected dining areas, but we can only see six on the map. Nordic, Asian, African, South American, North American (you know: mac & cheese), and Mediterranian. Where' sthis phantom seventh dining room? The wine cellar? Hmm. They may have been on to something...

Naturally, any really cool looking restaurant doesn't want you to ask about the food. It was probably okay, or at least non-lethal. Or, it was probably better than trying all day to catch a road runner with your rocket skates.

If you're stranded in the desolate Chicagoscape of Chicago and you feel like having a similarly absurd dining experience, there are still places you can go for a heavily themed inoffensive meal served by a disinterested staff.

Shef Shangri-la! It's right near the Brookfield Zoo, so you can stagger out of the jungle just like a lost explorer and stagger up to a table and order a drink in a ridiculously-shaped glass, just like a lost suburbanite.

P.S. You will not live forever before or after eating at Chef Shangri-la, and that's probably best.


Borden's Evaporated Milk - A domestic disturbance.

It's been a while since we heard from the unholy spokesmonstrosities from Borden's. Let's hear from Elsie The Cow, Elmer The Cow, Beulah The Cow, and Beauregard The Cow, just in time for Halloween. No, I did not make those names up. The Nineteen-Forties did.

In this 1950 ad, our happy family of crimes against nature are bickering about careers and sexism. If that doesn't make you want to buy dehydrated milk, I don't know what does. Setting aside the fact that dehydrated milk pretty much sells itself because it's so delightful to enjoy with your mouth, the The Cow family are going for the hard sell, teaching us that nothing says "dehydrated bits of milk" like threatening to storm out of the house if your wife doesn't STFU. Aah, The Fifties. Simpler times, man.

Technically, Borden's is being pretty progressive, for 1950, anyway. In this hilarious narrative, Elsie is being portrayed as the example of "rightness", while Elmer seems to be used here an example of old-fashioned thinking. Maybe? Let's give them the benefit of the doubt.

And yet, if Borden's was so modern and forward thinking and stuff, why did they feel the need to name their ice cream "Lady Borden"? Was there a "Man Borden" flavor, with whiskers in it?

However, no sooner is the feminine ice cream mentioned than the company quickly reassures us, by having Elmer remind us that it's okay for men to enjoy Lady Borden too. So, it seems safe to eat it without fear of turning "all funny".

Shew! It's okay, guys! We can eat this ice cream. The family of cartoon cows with the weird neckpenises says so!

Perhaps next time we cover a Borden's ad, we can do a detailed examination of a family of cows that relishes eating food made from their own milk. Won't that be nice?


Simple Atomic Monitor - Finally!

Yep. Those were the good old days.


Bertriff Glavin Revues

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Get on the Brandwagon!

Way in the back of the May, 1962 issue of Popular Science was an, uuh, ad?, for brand names week. Brands needed a leg up, I guess?

Why advertise brands? They're always around, like it or not, but the Brand Names Foundation seemed to feel strongly that people weren't buying enough brand name stuff... in favor of what? Generic merchandise made by neighbors and sold in a garage sale?

Of course, this was barely The Sixties, and you couldn't buy gray market Chinese import knockoffs by companies you've never heard of on Amazon - or, god help you - Alibaba. It's odd that you can probably place more trust in an unbranded homespun doorknocker made by an old man at the farmer's market than some companies that have logos, and "TMs" and everything. Brands can help you know what to avoid buying.

In physical stores, we denizens of The Future have modern knockoff brand names to help us identify flimsy shit that will break before you even get it home. Brands like Coby, who have the arrogance to rip off not only the sound of Sony's name, but also their logo.

Even the actual Sony, who used to pretty much define quality and design, threw all that away in The Nineties and Oughties when they not only began making products with uninspired design, but tried like hell to engineer everything they made to use some weird proprietary Sony-only battery or ridiculous Sony-only memory card. Sony's memory card was the "memory stick", and it was routinely twice as expensive and not measurably better or more reliable than the standardized storage media that everyone else used: the SD card. Everything you bought from Sony was an attempt to force the customer into several years of buying stupidly expensive proprietary doodads, until finally everyone kind of decided Sony had gotten enough of their money, and decided to try giving money to companies that didn't prevent the user from routing an audio signal through a receiver and into a recording device, or perhaps used a standard type of memory media. Sony's still recovering from this era of hubris.

And don't even get me started on the Sony Rootkit thing. So, yeah. Hooray for brands! Any and all of them!

One thing Coby's got that Sony will never have? Coby's more fun to make fun of. Hooray for fake Sony!

How do you like the Brandwagon in today's ad? Wouldn't you like to possibly use it for something else? If Sony made the Brandwagon, they would hate you using it for an unintended purpose. Sony would say that's a violation of copy protection or something. The  P.A.G. Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, get in here on the double! You know what to do. Wagon extract! Text out! Sony defy!

The Brandwagon is a PNG on an alpha channel background, so it's ready to hover over whatever else you've put in your son's birthday party flyer. It'll be good for his retro-hipster brand. Or, you can insert it into the document of your choice and drag it along with your mouse. You deserve a parade. You're welcome!


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