The Hose Taste Experiment.

Joke #1 - Gerbert Fufferton, testing his thesis project, "Fufferton's Marvellous Gerbertizing Apparatus". Result: Surprisingly, only 86% Gerbertness. Recommendation: "Need larger control group. Also, participants not double blinded."

Joke #2 - Early development stages of what would later come to be known as the "Moderately Silly Straw". Later iterations would become the "Ludicrous Straw", eventually settling on successful and nearly perfect "The Silly Straw" design, balancing silliness with utility in an affordable straw that required no external power source for measurable, reliable silliness.

Joke #3 - Yet another complete failure to develop a pneumatic rib cage.

Joke #4 - Burp Management & Sequestration effort #3,025. "Sonic absorption via low density plasitform fiber compound." Found to be at least 90% effective on all but the most hilarious burps.

Joke #5 - Assessing the deleterious effects of dorkflation.

Joke #6 - Professor Hornby's Good-Time La-Bor-A-Tory Hosepipe Band. 6 p.m. and  9 p.m. performances. 9 p.m. show is "21 and over only". Raincoats strongly recommended.

Joke #7 - Gerbert, on the Gerbertphonium, waiting for the cue to play his big Gerbert solo.

Joke #8 - "Eew. Still tastes like Red Bull. Add more chlorine."

Joke #9 - In the early years of The Cola Wars, citizens were urged by soft drink advertisers to "Take The Doc Morton's Miracle Calmative Nerve Tonic Challenge", in which four out of five participants could not taste the difference between Doc Morton's Miracle Calmative Nerve Tonic and the leading competitor, Professor Longbottom's Old-Tyme Family Recipe Restorative Tincture in blinded taste tests, apart from incidental Sudden Explosive Catastrophic Liver Failure and Terminal Projectile Diarrhea, which were dismissed as "falling well within the two percent margin of error".

Joke #10 - "Day six, orally-assisted mechanically regulated self-administered coffee enema experiment. No rejuvenating effects reported. May try 'robusto arabica' blend."

Joke #11 - In the optimistic, freewheeling days of the early twentieth century, soda manufacturers were hard at work creating new "health drinks" for an eager marketplace, who were keen to try the latest taste sensation, such as 'Asbestos-Up'.

Never to miss an opportunity for joke-ing, In sweeps MisterFancyHotBalls_2 with a one-or-two-liner! - Joke # 12 - Not surprisingly, the Fufferton Brother's (Herbert & Gerbert, respectively) "How Much Can You Suck or How Much Can You Blow? Machine" was a dismal failure at the Women's Respiratory Clinic. Especially after Gerbert tried to test fit the chest harness on the well-endowed Mrs. Sweatermeate.
Mr. FancyHotBalls_2

Today's episode of Phil Are GO! is brought to you by the letter four, and Webe Gumbar. Thanks for the gumbaw, Popeye, in the form of jokes 12a and a2b! - Joke 12a - "Tail put-er on-er misses mark by wide margin, test subject walks backward to thwart misconception and ridicule."

Joke 12b - "Word- Absurd Gerb curd, g.e.r.d. heard blurred, slurred by undeterred nerd."

And just 'cause you got an honest face, here is a painstakingly simulated ad for Asbestos Up. A fine addition to your Graphic Gift HDD supository repository. Hey look! It's the gummy kid from the Columbia Motobike ad! Welcome back, gummy! Looks like you get another fifteen minutes of (sort of) fame! Graphic Gift incoming in three, two, one, GRAPHICGIFTINCOMINGNOW!

Click for big.

Click for big.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]


Science news, 1931 - Science, in the time of Spanky.

Science news now, from the time when Little Rascals roamed the Earth! Yes! There was some!

As if the greatest danger in a car accident were fire, and not getting squished or stabbed by broken car pieces, or simply being "decelerated to death" a consortium of English companies were apparently working on asbestos body panels for motor-cars. I wonder why this idea never caught on. Hmmm. Anyway, this picture makes my lungs itch. Moving on....

Hey! Another proto-internet concept! In '31, you'd have been the first on your block to hear about the zany antics of the Third Reich if you had this home radio news receiver.

You'd wake up every morning. Shuffle over to the radio news cabinet and read... "*tick*tick*tick*tick* Everything still grayscale. Color not invented. *tick*tick*tick*tick* Depression still sucking. Hitler still being really weird and scary. *tick*tick*tick*tick*  Alfalfa's hair still sticking up. *tick*tick*tick*tick*   Instead of paying for this news wire, you could have had breakfast this morning. Good job.  *tick*tick*tick*tick*"

Their terms are confusing. They describe the means of transmission as "radio", but the information was planned to be sent through "electric light wires", presumably with some kind of subscription service. Maybe they were just using "radio" to give people a familiar way to understand their new idea, even the data connection was more like a telephone line?

Depression-era ASCII art! The article says he uses a stock model typewriter with "several fonts". I didn't know this, but apparently they did make multi-font typewriters. Let mind = blown. This is one o fthose hobbies where boring people say you've got "too much time on your hands" because nothing could tear them away from staring at the TV to do something clever or weird like this. Power to you, Charles H. Young, you clever nerd!


Iranian Scale Model Aircraft Carrier. - 66% of a post. Not a real post.

Time's a little short today, but it doesn't need to be jokeless. Ripped from the headlines of Gawker, we'll make some jokes about this 2/3 scale replica the Iranians are building. Oh, those kooky Iranians. Is there anything they can't Iranian up?

Iran Is Building a Copy of a U.S. Aircraft Carrier Just to Blow it Up

Text pasted from the Gawker article.

Last month, U.S. military planners were scratching their heads over why the Iranians were building a painstaking replica of a Nimitz-class American aircraft carrier, all the way down to the deck numbers. Well, it turns out Iran just really wants to make it go boom.
The replica, which appears to be 2/3 scale and made of steel—just like the real thing—was first spotted under construction last summer "at a shipyard on the Persian Gulf near the Strait of Hormuz," according to Stars and Stripes, but it wasn't until this spring that U.S. officials "saw the number 68 painted on it—the same number of the USS Nimitz, which was deployed in the region last summer."
Iranian state TV had initially said the large, costly mock-up was for a movie. But now a newspaper in Iran reports that it's for blowin' up in a war game:

"The Sunday report by independent Haft-e Sobh daily quotes Adm. Ali Fadavi, navy chief of the powerful Revolutionary Guards as saying Iranian forces should "target the carrier in the trainings, after it is completed."
Adm. Fadavi said: "We should learn about weaknesses and strengths of our enemy."

This story is too good to leave un-joked. BEGIN!

​Joke #1 - The Iranians based their model on an American ship that was 33% farther away than they thought.*

Joke #2 - Our 2/3 scale defenses are defenseless against their full-sized two-thirds trained army! We should 66% surrender!!!

Joke #3 - If all goes according to plan, the Iranians will then stick needles in the model ship, and the real one will sink. This is not the craziest thing the Iranians believe.

Joke #4 - This training program had the world's highest output of sprue trees.

Joke #5 - That's a lot of Testor's #1163tt Flat Battle Gray.

Joke #6 - Iran had to delay the application of decals because Iran's mom called Iran down to dinner. Hey! Taco night!

Joke #7 - Iran is preparing a really huge M80, just for the occasion.

Joke #8 - They are going to blow it up, but they also have another one to keep Mint In Package. they're not insane, you know.

Joke #9 - Real proof that the Iranian government is huffing glue.

Jokes #10 and 11 come to us from Jim D. Thanks, Jim!

Joke#10 - It's only 2/3 scale, but hey, they're using 1.333 as many speed holes as the Nimitz. You do the math.

Joke #11 - At that scale, they can use the speed holed as portholes!

*I know, that's not how perspective works, but it's good enough for a joke.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


1957 Buick Roadmaster - Speed holes.

No, its not an electric shaver. That's a car, that just happens to look a bit like an electric shaver. And, that car is an electric shaver that looks pretty good, but what's with the marketing gibberish? Did they expect people reading this ad to understand it?

Of course not. What Buick wanted you to do was A) get excited about those kooky words and B) run straight down to your Buick dealer and listen to a sales pitch that explained what the marketing gibberish meant. Here's what the gibberish meant:

Power Pack: Four-barrel carburetor that gave the engine slightly more power.

Dynaflow: Buick's name for their automatic transmission.

Safety-Buzzer; A kind of early cruise control that buzzed at you when you reached a set speed.

Levelized Stopping: Suspension arrangement that reduces the degree to which the car "nose dives" under braking, as the car's weight is thrown forward.

"Nested" chassis: The car sits lower.

General Motors has, for many years, put those little pretend ventilation holes in the sides of their cars, as a swanky decoration. The GM marketing department calls them "Ventiports", and they're supposed to make the car look cool. They originated on a custom car built by GM stylist Ted Nickles. On the original hot rod, there was a ventiport representing each cylinder in the engine, and there was a little light bulb inside each one that flashed in time with the spark plugs. 

This was all intended to look like the exhausts on the sides of WWII airplanes, like the P-51 Mustang. Sometimes, the exhausts on the plane would spit a little fire - usually when the motor has just started, I think. On the custom car, they were a blinking novelty. On production models, they had no lights and didn't ventilate anything. Of course, they caught on, and GM kind of made "Ventiports" a childish affectation design signature. Who doesn't like pretend vents and intakes on their car? Right, kids?

Ventiports have enjoyed something of a revival in the adhesive geegaw market. You can get a set for yourself at any Auto Zone. Peel off the tape, stick them on your fenders (being careful not to be too careful about keeping them straight), and you're a pretend fighter pilot. if you want to avoid getting in trouble with the GM legal department, you can just call your new stick-on Ventiports "speed holes".

Click for big.


HemisFair '68 - The world helps America celebrate itself.

World's Fair Update now, from 1968! Just in time to plan your forty-five year old vacation trip! I think the car's warmed up by now.

The '68 World's Fair was located in San Antonio, Texas. Ticking all the boxes on the World's Fair requirement form, there was a Tall Pointy Thing with a revolving restaurant at the top, and lots of flags all over the place. The theme was "The Confluence of Civilizations in the Americas", which is about as strangely egocentric as we can get while still qualifying as an "international event".

So what's there now? Lots of stuff from the fair, actually! Kudos to San Antonio for not bulldozing all the interesting stuff to put up fifty Wal-Marts.

 An unfortunate angle on the Tower of the Americas, as it stands today,
in the shadow of The Dumpster of the Parking Lot.
The TOTA is still there, and apparently the restaurant at the top A) is still there and B) is still revolving, although I'm sure they've had to repack the main bearing since '68.

The convention center is also still there, and now houses a theater. There are a few government buildings, the University of Texas, and the Institute of Texan Cultures is there (read: shooting range).

Best of all, the general area is now Hemisfair Park, with fountains and plants and everything. It sounds pretty nice. If you're even down in Texas, look it up.

Click for big.


The Pope Valve

Joke #1 - "Who run Barter Town?"

Joke #2 - The new system was so simple. The faithful simply toddled up and spouted their venial minutiae, and all he had to do was turn the "hell valve" or the "heaven valve". The Pope was extra pleased that he'd asked the workmen to connect both valves to the "hell sump"... after hours, of course.

Joke #3 - "Your Holiness, if you'd care to stand aside, the plumbers would like to replace the seals on your 'big, shiny race car' now."

Joke #4 - "And you say this one will shut off the water to the poor? Splendid. We'll see who doesn't need another gilded holy wine fountain in the entrance hall."

Joke #5 - Parallel parking the basilica.

Joke #6 - It was always annoying, having to shut off the Slip'N Slide when tour groups were coming  through.

Joke #7 - In keeping with the "new austerity", the chocolate hot tub would only be heated from noon to six, and not at all during Lent.

Joke #8 - "Your Holiness, the representatives from 'S.N.A.P.' are waiting in the antechamber. By the way, if someone were to accidentally bump this valve, the oxygen to the room would be tragically cut off, resulting in the- Oh dear!.....uuh, it's counter-clockwise, sir."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]


Cadillac LaSalle - Gee, our old LaSalle ran great.

In the opening credits for All in the Family, Edith sings "Gee, our old LaSalle ran great", right before she shrieks the final line "Thoose were the daaaaayyyyys!" with Archie. So this is the car she was singing about. The ad is from 1931, and it's a minimalist eyefull of Deco class. Swing, baby.

Click for big.

Art Deco generally means pulling your punches and taking the high road. Any time I've been required by a job to do the Deco thing, it has meant leaving a lot of negative space, repeated geomoetric shapes and visual restraint. Notice the large areas of empty space around the ad copy, and the surprisingly small size of the illustration at the top, with lots of breathing room around it. All of these art decisions communicate dignity and grace, as if the ad doesn't need to shout at you to communicate. It's an ad that doesn't care if you read it or not. Cadillac doesn't even need your business. They want you to feel like you can buy some of that dignity if you buy their car. They're THAT classy.

All of that is B.S., of course. You can still be a vulgar prick and have a nice car, as we all know. Somehow, as advertising ruins every tool with overuse and cheapness, Art Deco hasn't been destroyed by the ad biz. It still works as a communicator of calm aristocracy.

Sure, The Eighties did it's best to drag Deco into the toilet of Miami Vice cocaine culture, but somehow it's been able to recover from abominations like this dining room, and the juvenile "more is more" mentality that swept the nation in that decade.

There's a reason mirrored surfaces were so popular in The Eighties. You never know when you'll need another taste of booger sugar. Those weren't the daaaayyyys.

Click for big.

Miraculously, I can look at the people in this 1931 clip art without imaging them doing rails of blow off the hood of the LaSalle in the ad. Deco still works.


Little Ads - Get it together, man.

Here are the last three little ads just for guys, from that batch that Alert Reader Steve Miller sent us last week. I promise, tomorrow I'll start doing my frikkin job again. Today's batch of ads are all about getting yourself together and getting with the ladies. Am I right, ladies? I said AM I RIGHT? Yes. Of course I am right that this is what these ads are all about. Thanks for the vacation, Steve!

I wasn't aware that a crew cut could be messy. Apparently, someone thought you need some product on that crazy 'do to keep all half an inch of it under control.

Lifts. Yep, they were real. probably still are (jeez, I really am getting lazy these days). And best of all, there's almost no way she will ever find out you're shorter than you seem, as long as you never ever, for any reason, take off your shoes.

Highest standard of living in the known universe, and it could be yours for $150 a month.


Little Ads - Exile in guyville. (Kinda NSFW).

More classy crap for the discerning jagoff today, as sent in by field scavenger Steve Miller. Thanks, Steve! That's two days this week I barely have to take my feet off the desk.

It may be hard for your kids to understand, but at one time, we had to go outside the house to get porn. This ad can help them understand how lucky they are.

Illustrations are serving suggestion only. Facial expression not a guarantee. You may or may not look like a serial killer after ordering Stag Party Originals.

"Has second had golden anodized case." This means the case is probably anodized aluminum (and used?), since very few metals can be anodized. "Golden" does not mean "gold". Anyway, if you're thinking this hard about your new excuse-to-drink novelty watch, you're probably not drunk enough.

Dinner jacket, sansabelts, and pipe not included. Dignity definitely not included.

At least the gentleman who bought this thing has a pistol on the mantle so he can do the right thing when he realizes what a loser he is.


Antiques Creepshow - Something to sleep on.

For all of our readers having trouble failing to sleep, today we bring you a report from an antique store for the criminally insane. Heeeere in the haaal of heeeaaaads.....

When paint ceramic glaze, or some other kind of coating gets old and starts to crack, it is said to have "crazed". ("It has crazed", "It's starting to craze", "This one wheel has lots of crazing around the lip."etc.). This doll head is now crazed in more ways than one, from its cataracts to its Death Valley skin, not even the Quay brothers will touch this thing.

On the bad ship lollipop. 'Nuff said.

Three walls is a good start to this display case. Add a fourth wall, a canvas tarp and some twine. Add burlap, wrapped in hurricane fence, a nice deep hole - and oh yeah! - Add some fire. Refill hole. There. Perfect display case. Now let us never speak of it again.

Click for big.

Click for big.

Click for big.
Once again The Hall of Heads, by They Might be Giants proves to be a useful song.


Little Ads - Scoundrels only.

In the past, we called them cads, bounders, or scoundrels. But now, they're just douchebags, and assholes like that have always enjoyed products like this. Please enjoy these prurient ads from the back of god knows what pervy publication, all sent in by roving field reporter Steve Miller (no relation, so stop with the "Maurice" crap). Steve, in what sort of places have you been roving? One wonders. This is not to say that you should stop roving in those places, of course! Hat tip to Steve!

Apparently some scumbags get off on seeing girls brutalize each other. Lazy jerk, can't even get off his couch to go find brutalized women.

For those lucky guys who dream of having their eyeballs humped by nude women, and having cauliflower growing out of their earholes. Finally, a way to scratch both of those itches at once.

Some would argue that pulling your punches should be step one in attracting women, but then again, see ad #1, above.

These are perfect, assuming your cocktail parties have no real human women, which, if you're really thinking clearly, is in itself, far from perfect.


Poopdeck Fracas

Joke #1 - "Let me talk to Tenille or I'll let you have it! Where are those muskrats stowed, huh? I said WHERE ARE THEY?"

Joke #2 - Bruce was just about to let that dirty captain have it when he realized his T-square was hanging out, and then they both knew how he felt about him. This changed everything.

Joke #3 - "You call that a loxodrome? You're no captain, you're barely even a bosun! I'll have your stripes when we put in at Milton-Keynes for a resupply and those new ratlines!" Scene from the climactic final battle of "The Astrolabe Chronicles", adapted for children's theater by Admiral Cornelius Hornswicke (ret'd).

Joke #4 - So You Think You Can Punch, Sailor, Tuesdays at 8, on the Bravo network, for some reason.

Joke #5 - "I'll tell YOU when I've had enough gorg... I mean grog!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]